I Breathe the Underground

Most Annoying Punk Band Ever to Release New Album

NoFx is gearing up to release Coaster on April 28, prompting cries of "Break up, already" from...well...me.

Let's take a closer look at the track list, and I'll predict what each song is about. *These are simply predictions -- I have no prior knowledge of what will be on this record. The names of the songs, however, are legit.*

1. We Called It America - A 3 minute long rant against conservative America with Fat Mike name-dropping the founding fathers.

2. The Quitter - Apathetic guy drinks, smokes, and listens to too much punk rock.

3. First Call - Half-time four-chord love song about the time Fat Mike met his wife.

4. My Orphan Year - A fictional character named Eddy is turned to the street after his parents die in a car accident.

5. Blasphemy (The Victimless Crime) - Tirade against Christianity with at least one use of every anti-Christian cliche NoFx could find on the internet.

6. Creeping Out Sara - A story of inappropriate and disgusting actions taken in the face of a stalwart Sara.

7. Eddie, Bruce and Paul - In the tradition of Liza and Louise...

8. Best God in Show - Another Fat Mike diatribe against organized religion...pointing out the aural and philosophical similarities between "dog" and "god" on multiple occasions.

9. Suits and Ladders - Fat Mike goes on yet another tirade...this time against corporate America and greed.

10. The Agony of Victory - NoFx examines the war in Iraq, talks shit about George Bush and the rest of his administration, uses impressive Iraqi jargon.

11. I Am an Alcoholic - Fat Mike denounces the evils of alcohol...just kidding. Fat Mike gets drunk and throws up on a small child.

12. One Million Coasters - Dedicated to the one million people who still believe George Bush was a good president.

The music should be equally as predictable. There, I just saved you the time and money you would have spent buying the album. Let's send a message to NoFx this time around and boycott the Gospel according to Fat Mike, please. Thx.

Download 03 - NOFX - Murder The Government

"Murder the government and then...do it again, yeah!"
- NoFx, "Murder the Government"

Composure Isn't Something You Can Teach

If you're as big of a metalcore geek as I am, you miss the days of Misery Signals a la Jesse Zaraska (the golden age, when Of Malice and Magnum Heart was released). And yes, Mirrors rocks on a plane all its own, but some of the charm that got me into Misery Signals in the first place has slipped through the cracks. Zaraska had a voice that could empty an entire graveyard, a voice that my own god-fearing mother -- who's heard most of what my busy music collection has to offer -- heard and observed that Satan himself had started his own band.

So it's time to name my hardcore band to watch of the week, or month...at least until I name the next one.

Band to Watch: August Burns Red

Stop longing for old Misery Signals and move on with your life. Check out August Burns Red's Messengers (2007).

Take Norma Jean's grit, Misery Signals' technique and vocal styling, the Black Dahlia Murder's speed and Bullet for My Valentine's hooks and throw them into a demolition derby. By the halfway point of this album, you won't be sure if you're going to make it out alive.

Honestly, I'm afraid I picked up on these guys a little too late. They've already got a video (posted below) that will melt your face off. I'm serious. Your skin will literally crawl right off your face. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little. Just take a break from my rambling and watch the video, then come back.

Oh hey, welcome back. How's your face? Still solid?

Speaking of solid, I found out these guys randomly one day months ago when I was looking through the Solid State Records repertoire. Now, Solid State is a Christian-label, and for the life of me I can't understand why all this pent-up aggression decides to manifest itself in these likable little church-going boys. To be fair, not everyone on Solid State is Christian. But, uh, with band names like Living Sacrifice and Advent, I think it's at least fair to say Jesus is Solid State's home-boy.

So you checked out the video, you've listened to some songs from the album, you even went out and bought the friggin' record. Now what?

The next place to find up-and-comers is the Take Action! Tour. Unfortunately, the tour is almost halfway over already, and it looks like they'll be embarking on a European tour after that, but I have a feeling they'll be sprouting up on another one soon after the dust settles.

"It's time to gain some ground."

- Jake Luhrs, "Composure"